No Guarantees

Back when I was a wage earning boy I did this gig at a conference for designer perfume companies. The client I was working for threw a luncheon for one of the Ralph Lauren men’s fragrances. It must have been a safari theme because we packed all the lunches in small Pelican Cases, which are these supposedly super tough cases for sensitive gear when you’re traveling into rough places. It keeps stuff safe, like survey equipment, photography gear and, you know, manly perfumes. Anyway, when we were taking the cases out of their boxes I noticed a disclaimer on the side. It read:

PELICAN LEGENDARY LIFETIME GUARANTEE OF EXCELLENCE.

Pelican Products, Inc. guarantees its products for a lifetime against breakage or defects in workmanship. Pelican™ injection molded cases are guaranteed to be watertight to a depth of 3.3 feet (1 meter) for 30 minutes (IP 67) unless otherwise stated if properly closed with undamaged o-ring in place. Pelican’s liability is limited to the case and not its contents or foam. This guarantee does not cover the lamp or batteries (rechargeable or alkaline) for lights. Any liability, either expressed or implied, is limited to replacement of the product. This guarantee is void if the Pelican product has been abused beyond normal and sensible wear and tear. This guarantee does not cover shark bite, bear attack or damage caused by children under five.

That was years ago, before I had children, and I thought it was a total joke. A joke I understood, because like many people without children of their own, I found children under five to be pretty annoying. But now I know better. Children under five aren’t really that irritating, they’re dangerous.

Painting:

Watson and the Shark, 1778.

John Singleton Copley.